Revisionist Theatre, Episode 1

Welcome to this inaugural episode of Revisionist Theatre, the imaginary program where I re-imagine the endings of movies and television shows that left me unhappy.  Well, I say unhappy.  Screaming and throwing things at the screen is probably more to the point.

Today, we shall focus on Pretty In Pink.

The ending to this movie is almost universally reviled.  It is widely reported that John Hughes didn’t want Andie to wind up with Blaine.  He wound up making Some Kind Of Wonderful so he could get the ending he wanted.  Such was the power of Molly Ringwald in the 80’s.  She didn’t want to make out with Jon Cryer so she ruined the movie for the director. However, a Duckie ending is also seen as problematic for some, as he is not always viewed as the sweet, dippy, romantic obvious choice, but instead as a creepy stalker who would probably use the word “friendzone” a lot. When I was younger, I was pro-Duckie all the way (I blame Otis Redding), but I certainly see the point of view for anyone with an unwanted Duckie of their own having to deal with being called a bitch because ladies aren’t vending machines one feeds niceness into until sex falls out.

What disturbs me–particularly viewing this as a thirtysomething–is how they wrapped up Iona’s plot.  Iona was FANTASTIC!  But she was unlucky in love until she toned her shit down and got with the program!  Yes, Iona falls in love, gets an “acceptable” haircut, buys a blazer and a brooch, and rides off into the sunset with her dream guy.  Why?  Clearly the guy liked Iona as she was enough to ask her out.  There’s nothing in the script that suggested he insisted upon her transformation.  It was just accepted that once the wild girl finds love, she stops spending her energy on silly little things like self-expression and concentrates on trying to get married instead.  Poor Iona…she deserved better.  I’ll bet the yuppie was disappointed, too.  Clearly, he was attracted to what made her her, not what made her him.  Ugh.

If you are ever talking to someone and find out they liked the ending where Molly Ringwald goes back to the guy who was horrible to her to placate his terrible friends, just go ahead and stab them with an olive fork or something. If you are worried about hurting them, do it in the tongue because they already have no taste.

Please join me next time when I will no doubt have a full core meltdown over the series ending of Queer As Folk (US version).

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