Faux Aspirations, Or How To Be A More Terrible Person In Five Easy Steps

These are daydreams I only fleetingly (but frequently) have about the manner of attitude adjustments that would improve the quality of my life…even though they would make me an awful person.
#1  I wish I had the ability to brush off any and all criticism by dismissing my detractors as jealous.

Pros:  No muss, no fuss, no worry.  No self-reflection.  Feeling awesome ALL THE TIME.  Winning every argument with the phrase “you’re just jealous” because there is no counter-argument to “you’re just jealous” without proving the statement as true even when it is ridiculously untrue.

Cons:  Never actually learning any lessons about myself or growing relationships beyond the superficial.  Pissing off people because there is no counter-argument to “you’re just jealous” without proving the statement as true even when it is ridiculously untrue.

#2  I wish I could work all sides of every angle without a hint of guilt.

Pros:  If I could be crafty enough, everyone would think I fully had their back even though I would be talking mad shit about them to everyone else.  Everyone’s hero.  Never having (and therefore never losing) an argument because I would be willing to change my opinion on the matter to cater to whomever I’m talking to.   Everyone is my BFF for the duration of time that they are paying attention to me.

Cons:  Hypocrisy–like the color yellow–looks terrible on me.  Plus the truth that eventually and inevitably it is always discovered that that fake-ass people are fake.  It is only a matter of time.

#3 I wish I could use people without remorse.

Pros:  Having someone to always go to with an open ear, open mind, and open heart with my problems.  Gaining insight and wisdom.  Being able to use that insight and wisdom to climb up on their shoulders to help reach my personal goals…then stepping on their heads and cutting the rope just above them.  That’ll learn them.  Besides, I don’t need them around taking credit for my awesome when I’m wherever I planned on being in my personal evolution.  We all know I didn’t NEED their support or encouragement;  it merely expedited things.

Cons:  Who cares?  I’m popular/in a relationship/famous/etc.  The fact that using people makes me a waste of a human being is inconsequential in the face of the whole new me.  There’s more where they came from, right?

#4 I wish I could be the center of my universe and expect everyone else to be happy with the role of being a supporting player in my life.   

Pros:  Not having anyone to worry about.  Everyone would exist solely to talk to me, party with me, build me up, and make me feel good about myself.  I would never have to place the first call, send the first text, or reach out to anyone…unless, of course, there is news about ME.  Everything I do would be of the utmost interest to everyone.

Cons:  Missing out on the good things other people are doing.  The fact that people eventually get tired of always having to be the one to initiate contact.  Looking like a selfish jerk to people who actually try to care about me while I’m busy taking it for granted that everyone will, anyway.

#5 Complete obliviousness about the obnoxiousness of #1-4

Pros:  What do you mean obnoxiousness?  Who, me?

Cons:  I dunno what we were even talking about.  Were you speaking?

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